Regret and Loss

September 5, 2020

An open letter to my cousin and a friend, Sirius, who passed away at age 28. 

You were quiet and reserved, you don’t ask for help and never insisted that you need help. Never wanted to be a burden to anyone, even if your health was at stake.

When I finally asked you, you agreed and we were both excited. I was so happy. And I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for not trying so hard to push you with the transplant. We were supposed to do this together when we exchanged messages last December 2018, a month before you had that accident. Then a lot of things happened and hindered our plans beyond our control. I’m sorry that we were not able to go.

Reading our chat history made me realized I was like a big sister whenever, you’d always say “te Danz” with a question like I always know the answer, like whatever I say was enough for you.

More than two years ago, you asked me how to deal with a narcissist, I asked who it was, you told me that you will eventually tell me who it was. But you never did.. and now when I read through the lines, I finally understood what it was about… Now you left me unable to forgive myself, now more than ever, that I never fought and protected you, unable to save you

Even if a person has wronged you so many times, and nobody listened, you still had the courage to forgive them and accept your fate, even loved them till the end.

How can anyone compete with you with that kindness and unconditional love? Some things are better left unsaid, but it just hurts the same.

If you were still here, without CKD or if you have gone through your transplant successfully, I imagine you would have brought your girlfriend with us. 

You had full of hope. You wanted to learn how to do copywriting, wanted to open an online store, wanted to take on more of web development projects, wanted to team up and take photos and portraits of babies or children parties,.. wanted to court a girl, wanted to learn video editing, wanted to enroll at PCCI, wanted to surf, and go biking with us, we talked about so many things. We talked about all the things you want to do. 

We will miss you, your laugh, your grin and chuckle. I’ll never look at Up Dharma Down Ben & Ben the same way again without thinking of you. You’re gone too soon, but in a better place now. We love you and I’m sorry.

It’s been a long day without you, my friend

And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again

We’ve come a long way from where we began

Oh I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again

When I see you again

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